The Last Mono

For the past several days when I've been outside digging in the wee bit of dirt--mostly rocks and muck--planting papaya, mango, citrus tree-lings and rearranging the "water plants," I've not seen the Big Mono, remaining sibling (?twin?) of the "Littlest Mono" who died in February. I've been out late and it's been raining and I had hoped (and prayed to Francis and Clare who don't seem to be paying attention to monos these days. I'll take this up with my Franciscan friends) he was inside...I found out today that the last and grande mono died of a respiratory infection. I cannot imagine how devastated Gladys must be; if I am this devastated. I've cried and railed and hurled the St Francis candle across the room several times in my rage and pain. These precious lives of these precious darlings, so loved by us all, just wiped out, gone, dead. Another thing to mourn; God, when does it stop? Does the mourning ever end after 40? I do not know what to do; I'd get them kittens later if I thought it would help. Gladys LOVED those babies soo much. And they were too darling and soo connected to us humans. Is there a patron saint of monkeys? Well, then I suggest she or he dust off their godstuff and get to crankin' on comforting Roberto y Gladys. I'lll write a note and send messages to folks in Canada. I think, though, that the one-o mono died from a broken heart; I think he missed his brother soo much; life was too sad without company and a companion. I can understand that. As much as I am on a bitch of a tear about Kenny, the Church, the priesthood, etc, my greatest fear is that something will happen to him--like death--and not death for a "CAUSE" either, but just death. I'm not sure the kitties could keep me connected to this earth. I might have to join him wherever he would be. And THEN I think what would it be like to have Beckett and/or Paid die and I cry all over again. That would be as awful as losing Kenny...reallly. These are my family..la familia...Kenny and these 2 precious gatos. They are the light and joy of my life. Once I could say that about the Church; when the Church was the ONE place that kept me half-way sane and gave me comfort and work to do almost 30 years ago (God, I'll be a basket case on 4 August and the bishop will be here as I'm glooming about and carrying on. Lordamercy Jesus! Too much loss. Yes, it's true, I had a magical existance for sooo soo long, particularly when Kenny came into my life. But for the last 20 to 24 months, it's been one huge loss after another. And of course here I keep remembering those folks and experiences I no longer have no access to. Will this ever end? Can't I get a break from all this? Yet, who am I to ask for a break when I have EVERYTHING including the greatest luxury of a graduate school education and papayas every day and books and stuff and the love of one really good man whom I truly adore? How do I deserve another spell of magic when people around me have so little or nothing? And I can't seem to find God or The Divine anymore? Who am I to be so fucking arrogant? Well, a spoiled only child for one, who HUNGERS to do the ONE THING on this earth that has ever brought me joy--and that's doing the liturgical and the church stuff as full-time. I also miss seminary and school. I want to learn the "new" forever! But our gatos are safe and Gladys' monos are dead and I can feel her pain across the yard and across the fence and my woman heart to her woman heart. Gay Pride IS VERY IMPORTANT, yet I cannot write about my experiences for the sadness. And I never even took a picture of either mono. What an ejit! Dear Frances and Clare, if you're still the saints of non-human creatures, somehow intervene in the pain and suffering of Gladys for her beloved monos. And Jesus, whoever and however you are, bring some kind of comfort to R&G as a couple. And Mary, the One I now talk to--La Morenita and all the Black Madonnas--I'm not sure about God these days. I KNOW God (however symbolic we use the word) was part of the life and joy of our creature neighbors who now only live in our memories. MUST write letter to Gladys and share my feelings. This is just too fucking much. And superstitious me says I MUST not say that for I'll be SHOWN too fucking much!!!